I'm tired of living my life fueled with false alogations and false hope.
I'm tired of playing games, chess was never my strong suit and it's not like I'm playing scrabble in this world.
If you want me, tell me, whisper it in my ear or scream it off a rooftop.
If you don't, still tell me.
Don't lead me to thinking there's chance when there's not one even in hell.
Being lead on is the worst. It fills your head with false hope and lies and it's great that I'm not falling for them anymore. But that doesn't mean that I'm putting up with them.
If you're a fuckboy stay the hell in your lane and don't come near me or my brain.
I've had enough interaction with them to last me a lifetime.
I don't need shit thrown my way when I have enough on my plate.
Love me, hate me, I don't care.
You promised things would be the same
That somehow in the end it wasn't a game
That somehow you would pretend nothing happened
But something did
Nothing can change
Nothing can be the same
Nothing can ever be the same when you hurt someone and don't take the blame
Or when you lie to someone who means the most to you and fuck up everything you've ever had in your life
You fuck up, always.
You think, but don't know
It's like something in you snaps
And suddenly you're wired a different way
You think differently
You act differently
You look differently
Suddenly your life just doesn't matter to you anymore
You have a sense of not giving a damn
Every time you give a piece of yourself away to someone just to have them toss it out the window with no care in the world
And suddenly you run out of pieces to give
Eventually your heart has enough and the shock of a broken heart leads to numbness because you've been there before but you don't care enough to go back to the happy state
You rather stay in neutral and give up because what's the point of falling in love with people who don't give a damn about your feelings or about your life?
You result right back to where you were before where negativity looked like a saint compared to the positivity
You start to think that being positive is a temporary thing where you think everything is going to be fine
Everything is going to work out
But in the end, it fucks you over
It's called false hope for a reason
Key word being "false"
I'm tired of living on that false hope.
I'm tired of living on the positive side of things if I'm gonna be fucked over every fucking time
I'm tired of just living for myself and if you're lucky someone might come along
The only answer equivalent to that is
Someone will come along
Rock your world like an earth shattering quake
Sweep you right off your feet
Have you thinking "this time it'll be different"
You get that feeling
The feeling they won't leave at the wrong time
The feeling they won't be the one to fuck you over
The feeling they won't leave you in the dust
But all these feelings are false hope and false security
You can't depend on people to stay
You can't depend on people to deal with you
You can't depend on people for shit
Having trust issues is one thing, but having multiple issues causes a feeling of numbness and a very dark tunnel with no light at the end (if you read all of this, leave a comment , I wanna see how many people actually read captions)
Life isn't about your shortcomings, your past, and what happened to you.
Your life is about what you make it.
Stop making your situations excuses for your behavior and start looking at yourself for the answers.
The ones I thought would be there, never cared.
Pushed me away to the emptiness of my remains.
Remains of who I once was.
Remains of a person I don't want to be.
Relapse in full spin.
Can never feel love or the need to win.
Covering up the truth inside the lies.
After everything so far, more and more keeps happening.
With no where to turn with misguided directions.
One thing after another, and another. // For everyone that keeps checking on me, thank you for your kindness, but really I'm fine.
I'm sugar coating everything that I'm hiding underneath.
The smiles and laughs all look genuine, but are they really?
Trying to find the light at the end of this very morbid tunnel is getting harder, and harder.
It's a feeling that you'll never really feel.
When you've run out of anger and tears to cry.
When you've run out happiness to show.
When you've run out of any and every emotion to show.
Numbness takes over.
I've never felt numb
But at the same time you can't feel it either.
Finding out about a horrible thing to happen in your life sucks.
But what sucks the most is when you can't even show the proper emotion to the situation.
You just feel numb to it.
You can't cry, so you can't express it.
You can't show anger, because it's built up sadness, therefore you can't express it.
You can't feel joy, because you don't know what it's like to be truly happy.
So being numb takes over because it's better to be that than to feel anything at all.
To go on with your normal life, and nothing bother you. No one can set fire to your flames because what feelings do you have anyway? None.
You become this bottomless pit of nothingness and where is the joy in life? It's nowhere because you're going through shit alone.
You have trust that the person that means the most to you wouldn't betray you.
Wouldn't betray your feelings.
Wouldn't betray your heart
But it's a twisted thing isn't it.
I can see the good in someone but if I wasn't prepared for the worst outcome then I wouldn't make it out alive.
You see, going through so much, you have doubts, you believe the best but assume the worst because it's how you get through things.
You have people who once held your heart, meant anything and everything to you, believed in them, trusted them. Held their words true to your heart.
Only to have it thrown in the dirt.
You can't believe someone's words, you have to believe their actions.
Words are just words til proven otherwise.
They say the bottom of the liquor glass consumes you in full.
To the point to where there is nothing left.
But I can say that love does the same.
Love consumes you in full to that point,
When it's gone there's nothing left but remains of who you used to be.
I'm not the kind of girl to sit around and be played.
I'm also not the kind of girl to sit around and wait for you to tell me exactly what I knew was going to happen to begin with.
Things happen for a reason.
And sometimes those things were meant to be.
And maybe, they're for the best.
The reasons I stay there, scared to go all in.
That's my problem.
My problem is having trust issues and not fully trusting people for the same things that keep repeating themselves.
But that's my problem.
Everybody has issues, it's how they handle those issues that set them apart from others. Makes them who they are.
People are not their mistakes.
And people are not their past.
You can't fight fire with fire and expect to not get burn.
Fight fire with water.
Kill people with kindness.
Don't kill people with a hate filled heart.
Actually don't kill people at all.
There's never a valid reason to hold hatred inside you.
It takes so much energy out of you.
Once you become a fully positive and optimistic person, life becomes so much better.
Look at the glass as half full instead of half empty.
I promise your world will be brighter.
It's a never ending cycle.
Life is a constant never changing thing.
The past will continue to repeat itself because that's all the world knows.
It's what the person takes from the event each time.
Never mind the situation.
They all call for a new perspective each time.
We are what we make of ourselfs.
People go through things and never change.
Some actually do change.
Recognize faults and distort them to make a better outcome.
Not everyone is the same and it's because of that reason.
If we weren't all different then the world would be a boring and predictable place to live in.
It would be overbearing to even breathe in.
Don't focus on what happens to you, because it will happen again.
Focus on the perspective and see what you can gain from it.
Not everything in life has to have a negative connotation. // no idea what I'm actually going on about tbh
It's crazy how something so close could feel so far out of reach.
They tell you to dream big, shoot for the stars.
What they don't tell you is how many times you have to burnout before you're shinning brighter than ever.
You may burnout multiple times but whenever you reach the end, all those ups and downs were well worth it.