Covering up the truth inside the lies.
After everything so far, more and more keeps happening.
With no where to turn with misguided directions.
One thing after another, and another. // For everyone that keeps checking on me, thank you for your kindness, but really I'm fine.
I'm sugar coating everything that I'm hiding underneath.
The smiles and laughs all look genuine, but are they really?
Trying to find the light at the end of this very morbid tunnel is getting harder, and harder.
It's a feeling that you'll never really feel.
When you've run out of anger and tears to cry.
When you've run out happiness to show.
When you've run out of any and every emotion to show.
Numbness takes over.
I've never felt numb
But at the same time you can't feel it either.
Finding out about a horrible thing to happen in your life sucks.
But what sucks the most is when you can't even show the proper emotion to the situation.
You just feel numb to it.
You can't cry, so you can't express it.
You can't show anger, because it's built up sadness, therefore you can't express it.
You can't feel joy, because you don't know what it's like to be truly happy.
So being numb takes over because it's better to be that than to feel anything at all.
To go on with your normal life, and nothing bother you. No one can set fire to your flames because what feelings do you have anyway? None.
You become this bottomless pit of nothingness and where is the joy in life? It's nowhere because you're going through shit alone.
You have trust that the person that means the most to you wouldn't betray you.
Wouldn't betray your feelings.
Wouldn't betray your heart
But it's a twisted thing isn't it.
I can see the good in someone but if I wasn't prepared for the worst outcome then I wouldn't make it out alive.
You see, going through so much, you have doubts, you believe the best but assume the worst because it's how you get through things.
You have people who once held your heart, meant anything and everything to you, believed in them, trusted them. Held their words true to your heart.
Only to have it thrown in the dirt.
You can't believe someone's words, you have to believe their actions.
Words are just words til proven otherwise.
They say the bottom of the liquor glass consumes you in full.
To the point to where there is nothing left.
But I can say that love does the same.
Love consumes you in full to that point,
When it's gone there's nothing left but remains of who you used to be.
I'm not the kind of girl to sit around and be played.
I'm also not the kind of girl to sit around and wait for you to tell me exactly what I knew was going to happen to begin with.
Things happen for a reason.
And sometimes those things were meant to be.
And maybe, they're for the best.
The reasons I stay there, scared to go all in.
That's my problem.
My problem is having trust issues and not fully trusting people for the same things that keep repeating themselves.
But that's my problem.
Everybody has issues, it's how they handle those issues that set them apart from others. Makes them who they are.
People are not their mistakes.
And people are not their past.
You can't fight fire with fire and expect to not get burn.
Fight fire with water.
Kill people with kindness.
Don't kill people with a hate filled heart.
Actually don't kill people at all.
There's never a valid reason to hold hatred inside you.
It takes so much energy out of you.
Once you become a fully positive and optimistic person, life becomes so much better.
Look at the glass as half full instead of half empty.
I promise your world will be brighter.
It's a never ending cycle.
Life is a constant never changing thing.
The past will continue to repeat itself because that's all the world knows.
It's what the person takes from the event each time.
Never mind the situation.
They all call for a new perspective each time.
We are what we make of ourselfs.
People go through things and never change.
Some actually do change.
Recognize faults and distort them to make a better outcome.
Not everyone is the same and it's because of that reason.
If we weren't all different then the world would be a boring and predictable place to live in.
It would be overbearing to even breathe in.
Don't focus on what happens to you, because it will happen again.
Focus on the perspective and see what you can gain from it.
Not everything in life has to have a negative connotation. // no idea what I'm actually going on about tbh
It's crazy how something so close could feel so far out of reach.
They tell you to dream big, shoot for the stars.
What they don't tell you is how many times you have to burnout before you're shinning brighter than ever.
You may burnout multiple times but whenever you reach the end, all those ups and downs were well worth it.
What if I was wrong?
And jumped to conclusions.
Cause the chance of losing you was all too dangerous.
So just assume that you're doing things before you get the chance so I can leave and feel like I've got the upper hand. Guilty, yeah, maybe I'm just scared to go all in. [. . .] And you act like you don't care.
I can't say that I didn't see it coming.
It's not like the past doesn't repeat itself.
Maybe for once in my life I thought it would be different.
But maybe I'm the one fucking up in this world.
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice shame on me.
Fool me a thousand times, then it's just my stupidity.
I don't want to live in this world full of doubt.
I wanted to be optimistic about the overall situation.
But how am I suppose to be optimistic whenever I'm the one getting screwed over every time I think it will be a good outcome.
Just think pessimistic and fuck up all the time like always.
Or be optimistic and let it hit me like a truck when it's all over because I got my hopes up? // How do I feel?
What do I say?
Fuck you, it all goes away.